A Little History....

Fall 2007


About two years ago Chris & I started trying to conceive, we thought it'd be so cool if we could surprise our families at Christmas with the exciting news! When I wasn't pregnant by Christmas I was disappointed initially, but Chris & I were optimistic, maybe it'd happen early in the coming year! By early summer we had a feeling something wasn't quite right. All through my teenage years I had a very irregular cycle, in my early twenties I saw a well known OBGYN in Texas who told me she was concerned my irregular cycles were keeping me from ovulating. Hearing that concerned me a little but I tried not to think much of it at the time. So, when we still weren't pregnant after trying for eight months my fears were mounting quickly. There were a couple months when our hopes would sore, I'd make an appointment to see our family doctor, she'd have me take a pregnancy test.... negative. "But how can it be negative when I'm so late?" I'd ask. "Don't all the logical signs point to pregnancy?". On my second visit like this my doctor told me she felt something wasn't right and that she wanted to refer me to a fertility specialist. I was surprised that she wasn't going to make us wait until we'd been trying for a year, but felt thankful and fortunate as my worst fears of being "infertile" were feeling more and more real to me. Chris & I felt the Lord opening the doors for us to see a specialist. On one hand we felt at peace and on the other hand anxious to get answers.



Summer 2008

Chris & I spent the next few months going through all sorts of tests required by the fertility doctor. We finally got to sit down with Dr. T in July, we were hungry for answers. Dr. T told us the problem was with me, I wasn't ovulating. That wasn't a huge surprise to us, we'd had our suspicions. What we weren't prepared for was to hear that I also have a bicornuate uterus, commonly referred to as a "heart-shaped" uterus, it’s a type of a uterine malformation where two "horns" form at the upper part of the uterus. Neither Chris nor I had ever heard of this so we asked what this mean, Dr. T told us it doesn't cause infertility, it can make it difficult to carry a baby to full term if we get pregnant. Dr. T assured us he could help me to ovulate with the help of medication and close monitoring.



Fall 2008

In late August my brothers and parents visited us for a little over a week. One night during their visit I was telling mom and dad about the specific things I was struggling with... anger towards God, resentment, asking God "why us?", fear that Chris & I would never know or experience having biological children, fear that I'd never get to live my dream of becoming a mother, the dream of carrying my own child.... my feelings and emotions were never ending and all over the place. After pouring it all out through my tears, I'll never forget my dad asking me: "Amy, is your hope in Him?". To this day I'm discovering, learning and seeking what this looks like.... my desire to put my hope in Him has grown from my infertility to other areas of my life as well. What I discovered after thinking about dad's question was that my hope wasn't in Him at all. I knew that God would have to do something radical on this journey to change me even in the smallest way. We tried our first round of meds and scans in late September. We felt very excited, optimistic (Chris more then I, by nature :o), and fearful.



Winter 2008

Again, Chris & I had high hopes and dreams that maybe this Christmas would be the great surprise we'd hoped for the year before.... but it didn't. Each month we would take meds to make my body produce mature eggs, then we'd take a booster shot to ensure those eggs kept growing, then our fertility doctor would do a scan to look at and measure my eggs, if they were at the size he wanted them to be he'd give me a shot to take home and give myself the next day to make my body ovulate. After trying this procedure three times unsuccessfully our doctor told us the next step was IUI (artificial insemination). We did IUI in February, March and April of 2009, all were unsuccessful.



Spring 2009

We were totally caught off guard when we heard Dr. T tell us "You're only option left is IVF (in vitro fertilization)". I remember leaving his office that day in tears, it wasn't the first time, but I was terrified of IVF. I was terrified of IVF not working. What if we tried IVF and it was unsuccessful, then what? The grieving process of laying down these hopes and dreams forever scared me to death. Chris & I spent some time in prayer, asking God to give us guidance and direction in this next step.



Summer 2009

For the next four months Chris & I spent a lot of time researching IVF. It is amazing to us the number of people God started to "randomly" put in our path, some who had been successful with IVF, and others who were unsuccessful. We lost count of how many gracious people invited Chris & I into their homes to share with us their story of infertility, all the medical treatments they'd endured, the varying lengths that they felt God leading them to go through, their highs and lows, their joys and sorrows, a lot of them had AMAZING adoption stories to encourage us with! Each of these couple’s, and their children's faces are etched in my memory forever. The bond we share as fellow travelers on the road of infertility runs deep, and the support and encouragement they give us leaves me speechless. Chris & I desired more then anything to please God in the decision making process of whether or not we felt Him leading us to IVF. We felt we had three options: (1. IVF, (2. Adoption or (3. Take no action/Wait. We prayed for God to lead us to people He wanted us to talk with, whether they were for or against IVF. This process was very difficult for us both as we felt very torn between putting our hope and trust in God and desperately wanting to do whatever we had to do to become parents. This scared me. I can't tell you how many times I asked God to give Chris extra wisdom through this process because I feared my feelings and emotions would get in the way of making the right choice. We didn’t feel pressured for time but felt anxious to start the IVF process if this indeed was God’s plan for us. I was lacking one very time sensitive test before we would be contacted by the fertility clinic. In July we’d hoped to get the test done and out of the way but the day I needed to get the test done we were going to be vacationing in California with my family. We were frustrated but had to keep trusting that God was in control.



Adoption

When Chris & I were engaged we talked about how many kids we’d like to have some day, we always thought it’d be fun to have a large family! In our dream world we would count it an honor and a tremendous blessing to be parents to both biological and adopted children. God really has confirmed this desire to us as we’ve walked this road through infertility. In February of 2009 we attended a one day seminar given by a local Christian adoption agency. It was an amazing day full of information that only confirmed in our hearts that this is totally for us some day! We aren’t pursuing anything at this time as we haven’t felt God opening the doors quite yet. We anxiously await God’s perfect timing!



What God’s Teaching Us

I could go on and on under this heading in regards to our infertility. It has felt like forever ago since Chris & I started trying to conceive, but when I compare our wait to others I know who are or have been through infertility, our road has been very short. Chris & I have learned so much about each other through this journey. God has used this time to change us, praise God! He has richly blessed us with dear friends whom we have the honor of walking with hand in hand through this valley, and we have seen God repeatedly answer prayer, time and time again! Chris & I have experienced God’s compassion in our pain. God is teaching us to empathies and be more compassionate to others in pain. He has opened us up to be more honest with others when sharing about our infertility, He has richly blessed in this area! We have learned more about prayer. Speaking for myself, I’ve come to know, that I know, that I know, that He is faithful. I didn’t know this for myself before now, I think it was more head knowledge then heart knowledge. It look a long time for me to learn this, I think it’s only been in the last six+ months that I’ve come to rest in this truth. God is faithful, it is his nature, it is outside of His being to be anything but faithful to us! If there were one verse that Chris & I could share with you, that has kept us going when we couldn’t go one step further, it would be:

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This verse has gotten us through each day, one day at a time. We cling to this verse. We remind God constantly of His promises to us in this verse, it has become our life verse! We KNOW He has a plan for us. His word stands firm!